Scared

Hey,

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little scared right now. Everyone is so impressive. I'm not gonna name any names, but some people make me feel far behind. But I guess that fear isn't that bad. I feel motivated from that. The issue is I don't know which direction I should point that motivation. Are we still gunning like a derm, trying to get buff like an orthopod and chill like a psychiatrist?

I say that as a joke, but seriously, have you figured out what you want us sentenced to for the rest of our career? Right now, I think we could probably find happiness in a lot of places, but I'm also scared that just means I haven't found the right answer. I don't think I want to cut people for a living. I want to talk to people, but I don't know if I can fully bear the weight of their problems. I like to sleep. Do we get enough of that? What do you want to do with our life?

I'm scared because it felt like we had just found our place at Michigan State. We went to our first proper house party a month before graduation. Three years really didn't feel like a lot of time. Do you still regret leaving so soon? We've been through 8 moves so far, but this one felt the worst. I'm scared that I'm gonna lose contact with everyone, but I guess that's because I'm scared we never had any real connections to begin with. Did they just tolerate us because we were next to them? Out of everyone that we met back then, how many of them have you seen since we left? How many have you DMed wishing happy birthday? How many reached out to you? Do people care about us as much as we care about them? Are you scared about feeling the same way about your people here?

Do you have any hobbies? And I mean ones you're proud to tell people about. Right now any hobbies that we have are either things we haven't actually done in a while, or are too stupid to tell people. I can tell you that right now, we like to make projects, we like to build. Did you finish our memory scroll? We tell people we like to swim, but I haven't been in a pool in 4 months. We really don't go outside enough. The days feel too short, and I think we see everyone enough when we go to classes. I hope you still don't feel that way.

Did you ever figure out how to study for six hours straight? I deleted Instagram, but I still can't focus on anything for more than thirty minutes. I'm bad at blocking out time, and I get motivated in unsustainable bursts. Did you ever learn how to use that without burning it out? The last time we put our heads down and worked really hard, we stopped being able to come up with jokes. That system is back online for now. I look back at our old writing and envy how creative we were 3 years ago. Do you envy me?

What scares me the most is that I can see I'm changing every day, but I don't know if it's for the worse or for the better. I remember 2 years ago when we were volunteering at Ascension Macomb and shadowing Dr. Verma, how everyone would comment about how nice our smile was and how kind and considerate we were. We were also really shy back then, too much for our own good.

But I think now, I've become more outgoing. I hope I can say the same about you. I still never know exactly the right thing to say sometimes, or when to say nothing at all. I still reminisce about old conversations too much. I wonder if you do too. I'm scared because to become the way I am, I had to lose part of who we were.

Are you going to lose me?